I’ve been feeling extremely vulnerable the past few weeks. Raw and uncertain, and questioning my choices.
I’m feeling this way because my dear sweet 13 year old cat Spike is in complete kidney failure and the vet says that there is not much we can do for him at this point. We tried some treatments that could possibly extend his life for a little while, but he did not respond well to them.
So now we are waiting- waiting for me to make the choice to have him euthanized.
Boy does it suck to be in this place!
I’m questioning my choices in the past around his care; mad at the vet we were going to for not seeing the signs of this when I brought him in this summer; and thinking that I should try the treatments again to see if they work this time.
I’m doubting myself, and looking to everyone else for answers because I don’t want to make the wrong choice. If I’m honest, I have to admit that I want someone else to make the choice for me and give me an answer so I don’t have to be responsible.
I know that only I can make this choice….just like all the other choices in my life. I need to move beyond my fear of getting it wrong; my guilt for not questioning his old vet when I sensed something was wrong; my emotions about missing him and tune into my inner knowing where I can dance with his spirit and hear what he needs. He will tell me and I will know when it’s time if I allow myself to listen.
Being this vulnerable and witnessing my desire to have someone else tell me what to do reminds me of feeling vulnerable in my coaching business. This work is coming straight from my heart and I often times feel extremely exposed and vulnerable.
Do you ever feel that way in your business?
I want to make the right choices and create the right programs. I want to make money!! But there have been times when I was struggling to make ends meet and doubted myself and the choices I made. I wanted someone else to sweep in and give me the answers and show me the way and I wasn’t afraid to throw money at the problem. I’ve spent at least $15,000 on coaches and programs that promised to show me how to be successful.
Weirdly enough, the more I tried to follow the blueprint and do the things they told me to do ….the more I struggled. What I realized was that I was trying to cram myself into their formula for success, rather than creating my own.
For some reason I trusted them more than I trusted myself.
I think that is what can easily happen when you’re feeling vulnerable. You want someone else to sweep in and relieve the pressure and make you feel safe. Rather than make your own choices and risk making a mistake, it is easier to hand it all over to someone else to solve for you. Then if it doesn’t work out you can put the blame on them.
What I’ve learned is that I can ask questions, hire someone else to teach me skills, and help me generate ideas, but my success comes from deep inside of me. My business is an extension of who I am. The more I bring myself into, fly my freak flag and trust my inner guidance the more successful I become. No one else can tell me the way. I just have to trust myself.
What have you learned from your vulnerability?
How do you move through it?