So….I’m walking down the street on my way to the pottery studio and I have this realization that there are only a few weeks of class left, and I’d better get busy! I haven’t made nearly enough this semester!!
My mind starts swirling trying to think about what I can whip out over the next few weeks to make it worth it. I need stuff for Christmas gifts or that I can sell. Otherwise there is no reason for me to have spent all this money and time going. But it might be too late to finish things!! (Now I’m starting to feel the pressure building inside of me.) I must produce MORE to make it worth it!!
Then I had to laugh at myself. Look at me putting the pressure on myself….having to produce something to make it worth it??!!
Like the mere fact that I LOVE to go, it’s one of my happy places, and my favorite creative outlet wasn’t enough.
We all do it; explaining and justifying why we need what we desire, why we’re worth it, and how it will pay off in the end. All that ridicules inner bargaining we do with ourselves so that we can have permission to want and do what we desire.
Somewhere along the line, I had developed a belief that I needed to produce something with a monetary value to make it worth it. Pure enjoyment and tapping into my creative flow was not enough!
Now I can see that this same belief was underneath my decision to stop going to the studio 3 years ago, when money was a little bit tight and I was busy. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to go and make stuff since I was paying for it. That pressure sucked all the joy out of it, and eventually I decided to stop going because I wasn’t producing enough to make it worth it.
Three years is a long time to go without being fully tapped into your creative flow. I tried a lot of other things: coloring, knitting, spinning, sewing, writing and cooking. They were all OK for a bit, but nothing like the deep satisfaction of making pottery. Finally, my sweetie pointed out that nothing seemed to compare to pottery. He was so right. And I went back. And here I am getting caught up in putting that same pressure on myself.
I gave myself permission to just have fun and enjoy going to the studio. If I don’t make anything else all semester, it is OK. My love of going is enough. The deep satisfaction and complete connection that I feel when I have my hands in the clay is worth every penny I spend.
What will you give yourself permission to do just because you enjoy it?