I’d had it.
I was done wanting him to want something he clearly didn’t.
Done waiting and hoping he’d change his mind.
Done trying to convince myself that I’d be OK without it.
Done convincing myself that it was really the relationship that mattered because it was good in so many ways if I could just get over my desire to snuggle in together and create a nice home life.
If I’d just be OK with living separately. It’s not like he wasn’t over at my house all the time anyway.
But I wasn’t okay with it.
I couldn’t make myself give up the deep seated desire to live with my partner. It was what I always saw myself doing. I never really cared about getting married or having kids, but living together was something I craved and something I’d yet to experience at the ripe age of 48 (We can talk about my commitment issues in another post).
Over the past 6 months I’d tried to let it go and pretended that everything was OK. I did my best to force myself into alignment with our maintaining two homes. I reminded myself how awesome our relationship was, how much we enjoyed each other, how it didn’t really matter if we lived together. We were solid. I didn’t want to end things and be single again. Nor did I want to force the issue and make him move in under threat of my leaving (The idea that he only did it because I made him…he should…so doesn’t work for me).
Have you ever tried to convince yourself that you were ok with something that you really didn’t want? What was the cost of doing it?
The cost of trying to force myself into alignment was high. It’s a lot of work to constantly try to make yourself feel good about something you don’t. Underneath it all I felt disappointed, worn out and defeated. I felt small and fragile (So not me).
These feeling were bleeding out into all areas of my life. I’d catch myself getting angry over silly small things and thinking “I never get what I want!!” or “Why can’t things work out the way I want them too?” I just wanted to give up and stop trying so hard.
Have you felt that way?
It was time to stop living in my smallness. I needed to give up the dream of him moving in and to stop making him wrong for not wanting to live together. After two years of feeling bad about this it was time to stop resisting the truth and to move on.
I made the choice to honor my desire to live with my partner by giving up the fantasy of my sweetie being the one I did it with. I stopped making him wrong for wanting something different. I stopped pushing and being upset because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I was ready to walk away in service to my bigger desire.
Boy, did that feel like sweet relief and expansion, like a pressure value had been released. Making this choice plugged me right back into my bigness. The resistance was gone. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I got really clear on what I wanted and the anger and disappointment disappeared.
And then the most amazing and surprising thing happened…
I went to see my sweetie and everything was different. He decided that his desire had shifted and what he truly wanted was to be with me and to move forward as a couple. He had already looked into selling his place and had all kinds of ideas around moving in and setting up our nest together.
Sometimes you need to give up the fantasy in order to honor your desire. Once I stopped resisting the way things really were and said YES to my true desire, the way opened up for me to have it. Just.Like.That.
I’ve seen this same thing over and over again with clients. The amazing women who decided to stop trying to make herself love the dream job that was sucking her dry and let it go in order to honor her true desire to make a difference in people’s lives. She’s so much happier now.
Then there’s the kick-ass musician who decided that making music was his true desire and decided to give up the fantasy of making it happen in Boston and packed his bags and relocated to Atlanta and is now making more money than he ever dreamed of playing music he loves.
Where are you trying to force yourself into alignment with something that feels off to you?
Is there any place in your life where your attachment to things looking a certain way is keeping you from your true desire?